DISCLAIMER: STORIES, CONVERSATIONS, FICTIONAL IDEAS, MYTHICAL CREATURES, and ALL HYPOTHETICAL SITUATIONS are probably intentional and probably not a coincidence. This is all based on real life conversations, smashed together to form an attempt at one coherent thought. Most of the NAMES are also probably true.
...Yeah, but in theory, it’s great, right? Or, it’s supposed to be great? The idea of it, at least. You meet a ton of new people and learn interesting things about them and if there’s some...weird, great, terrifying, joyful out of body connection, something happens. Then you become just two shitty people that care about each other.
But you just have such a long running list, of these people, you know?
That's not true.
I can't keep track.
No one’s asking you to keep track.
Yes, but I do. And I can't keep track. There's the guy that works at the theater -- Eric?
No, no, no, no. I can’t keep up with him. No, no, no. Not Eric. No, no.
Okay, I get it – no.
Trevor. I love Trevor. I tried to tell Trevor that I liked him. And Trevor's sweet, sweet mother wants him to have a girlfriend. But Trevor does not reciprocate feelings. But he's also said...he’s said that he were to date anyone, he would date me. So there’s that. What the hell, right?
That’s adorable. That's fucking adorable.
No, it’s fucking terrible. It’s a great way to make me feel like shit. Actually, it’s a very accurate way to make me feel like shit.
Girlfriend. Dylan is actually one of my favorite human beings. I've never had a crush on him.
Jacob is the older brother I've always wanted and his girlfriend is perfect and wonderful. This is fun.
What about Ryan?
Ryan is a sweetheart. He should date Megan. You realize you're just listing off friends that I have that are guys, right?
I'm running out of guys. Mark.
Mark is a handsome human and is always just, sad. Always.
...just, always sad.
I could date Anthony. I would date Anthony. He's funny and he has the best stories.
What about the guy from the bookstore? Tim?
Tim, the engaged father-to-be?!
Tim, the engaged father-to-be!
Tim. Tim looks like Lee Pace.
He does look like Lee Pace.
There's no way that --
Now I'm just realizing how much he looks like Lee Pace.
Yeah. Lee Pace.
Okay, what about Nate? You always talk about Nate.
Nate and I are an old married couple. It's so funny when people say that dating is hard when my answer is, "Oh, it's virtually non-existent." In the sense that it actually is non-existent.
Maybe it's your own fault.
Maybe it is! I do have a very specific type.
What is it?
The very generic 27 year-old funny dude that has a girlfriend. It's a real niche package of a person.
Tinder! There's always Tinder.
Yeah, okay. But I lasted like, three days on Tinder. I, personally, like getting rejected in real life. It keeps me grounded. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
But you know, I stopped judging people who used it. I get how fun it can be. Friends of mine have had great dates. I had one friend who still gets care packages of interesting books the guy finds on his goddamn roadtrip across the country. And I dream of their demise and downfall every fucking day.
Spoiler alert, crushes are stupid.
Yeah, maybe. But sometimes if feels good to want something so sincerely, you know? It’s humbling and the world kind of becomes bigger than your own head.
Like, when you have an interest in someone in a romantic way, it’s really threatening in a lovely way because I think most of the time it comes from a place of admiration. And that’s a humble thing, inherently. It’s almost like saying, “I like things in that person that aren’t things I have.” Even sexual attraction is based in that. And it’s something to look forward to and endless adventure, potentially. I’m not being as articulate as I want to be right now.
No, I get it. Kind of. These are all stemmed from “Wow, this person is real and I want to be friends with you.” But also, the scary and idiotic part of that whole idea is that it can be too much where you start to create an idea of a person. And you can get so enamored and caught up in that version of them that doesn’t exist, if that makes sense.
Of course. That’s why the first part is sometimes the best. The made up person can’t disappoint you. And when you actually meet someone and connect with them and they still don’t disappoint, it's insane!
It’s rare, but sometimes. So are we dating now?
Is that how this works?! We skipped so many steps.
No bullshit, we just cut to all the good stuff. Like, picking a show on Netflix to start watching chronologically. I pitch MadMen.